Emotional Baggage

WE watched a funny video were a couple, at a counter, were getting old luggage with various negative traits pinned to them to help illustrate the kind of "bags" or characteristics & amount of  extras that are brought into a second marriage. 

The Baggage giver said one of the Best statements I've heard for Relationships...it is,

"We all have issues, THE KEY Is To face up to them & To Make Positive Changes..."

A list of Baggage was given to each partner:

Guilt                               Resentment

Hostility             Perfectionism

Co-Dependency                  Autocratic

                                        permissiveness                     Fear of being left again  

Being committed to Handle the Issues is first and for most to get rid of emotional baggage.

 Each party needs Knowledge and skills to parent effectively and strengthen families.          

Chastity: What Are the Limits?

Styles of Parenting

Which Type Of  Parent are You? 

Autocratic or Authoritarian = Controlling, No room for choice or openness. Love and acceptance- is due to performance.
Permissive = Little effort, NO guidance, neglect child's needs

Authoritative = Firm & Friendly - Balance of give & Take, Teach and Demonstrate Respect
                         Active Parenting is what Michael Popken calls it. He teaches of the Ballast : That which gives stability to character:

-Responsibility -

-Cooperation-

-Respect-

-Courage-

-Self-Esteem-

Treated children the way you want to be treated is a great standard. Demanding Respect helps to become not respected. The focus is on where we want to be not so much on tantrum or the issue. 

Let Natural Consequences guide the way. Set firm ground rules, & no hammer when they aren't quite measuring up. Establish Family Rules, no more then 7 and stick to it in a firm but friendly way. 

   FATHERHOOD - What makes a great Father? Good example, Time, Commitment, Love, Acceptance. Being Actively engaged.  All of it and more.

  The MOST effective Model throughout time was and is Husbands the wives do business together. Working together with their children as they garden, sustain the farm. as they worked together each day. In families is were individuals learned their own values. they learn personal worth.  Over the History of Families Father, Mother, and Children have worked and lived together, With the onset of WWII - woman entered the work place & stay. Industrial Revolution is were it stated, then the war and the family dynamic started to change completely. Oh how we need our Dads. How much mothers need back up, togetherness, and a team effort and that male figure. Children are better adjusted and more apt to have greater self confidence if Dad has been in the home and raised his girls with expressing love and adequate affection.

Preparing for Marriage 

The Family a Proclamation to the World, Fathers are admonished to Preside, Provide and Protect in their families. We learned a great parallel to this, that should be happening in dating.  Elder Dallin H.Oaks spoke on Dating he said, it should be Planned, Paid For, and Pared off (As in the guy is actually asking the girl and not just hanging out in a group.) What wise council. He's speaking to Young Adults not 16 year old. Marriage eligible should be dating not just "hanging out!" 

So Here are some guidelines for appropriateness: 

John Van Epp gives a relationship attachment model that explains how going about getting to know somebody is really quiet backwards then many today have it.

He puts these gauges together for appropriately getting to know each other knowing comes why before touching. Do we see why so many relationships don't last? Many see that touching becomes the minute you meet. Getting to know then trust, then relying on then committing then touch with clear boundaries.  

      

Family Crisis & Stressors

Trials in life are not like us trying to ride a skateboard and someone keeps throwing rocks at us. We aren't set-up to fail here. We simply need to understand how we define a problem. Do we know how to use resources available very well? President Uchtdorf shared the space story about the bones and muscles of the astronauts getting weak due to the lack of stress from gravity placed upon them. As we go through life as a adolescent into adulthood our brains matures. I explained this to my teenage daughter to try to help her realize the need for help from mom was okay. She replied she didn't think they should let teenagers drive!  

              The Call and the Challenge 

• We truly need to give others the benefit of the doubt
• Assume the Best w/i an experience
• Be Patient, Kind & Gentle 
• Be Curious -  Not Furious! 
• Get Rid of Sarcasm - It is not a congruent message

We are sending words in one directions  ---> And the meaning is the other direction <---

Family Stress and Coping 

             A ctual Event - 

             B ehavorial Responses - How well we                       use our resources

             C ogntions- How a Family defines Crisis 

  Total e X perience 

We learned the ABC X model of crisis. We were asked to write down several personal life experiences or events where we may have seen coping taking place or had to use it. How do we deal with stress, how do we handle situations? 

Brother Williams shared a very precious family experience of his own where his parents actually lost their first child just shortly after he was born. What a heart wrenching time for young parents to deal with a newborns death. They both dealt with it differently and separately. Thus creating a huge wedge between them. Years later they had another son pass away. How tragic for a family. However this time the family pulled together not apart. They met in a family council together. Just the family and nobody else. They discussed they planned they submitted their will to the Lord and grew together as husband and wife and children. Such a precious example of An Actually Event and Responding in such a way the behavioral of at the utmost of wellness. And they didn't let this event define them or beat them.   

Family Crisis

NO not mine, just the topic this week. 

We discussed how after world war two there was a huge in-flex of crisis as dad came back from being gone so long and mom handling all the house, children and the in many cases even gone back to work. This made for a difficult transition. In several instances mom even stayed working. With secretary and receptionist position readily available many woman stay on working, which brought a whole new load of difficultly we often refer to as chaos. 

A story shared was one of a a young couple and their experience when they were first married having their first baby die shorty after he was born. It became a fairly large crisis in there family. Especially due to the fact that the couple didn't speak to each other about any of the situation. By the grace of God they made it and went on to have 4 other children including a set of twins. When they were 7 years old one of the twins contracted Rye disease and died also. This time the family pulled together and with great care and concerned for others they worked it out. It is amazing the strength and faith some poses. Communication and Understanding each other's point of view and their needs is key to getting through any crisis. UNDERSTANDING of another's perspective is the key to any relationship.

M. Scott Peck said, "One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that it is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another's spiritual growth." (The Road Less Traveled, 1978, p. 81)

As we discussed this in class we learned - Philia is brotherly love, Eros is is passionate love feelings & attraction, and Agape is Godlike love compassion, independent, even for those you don't even know. 
I Love learning about these for spouse we should have all. And knowing how wonderful it is to have children it helps me describe and identify the pure love I have for them. 

Gender Roles

This week we learned the very intriguing  beginnings of same sex attraction. We discussed a study done by a Cornell University Professor that researched into the early years of those attracted to their same gender later. It showed how so many of them were not given opportunities as young children to define their own individual roles as male or female. The boys were called "sissys" or girly when they displayed simple behaviors like, crying or playing with dolls or anything feminine. And girls were congratulated when they acted in roles as "Tomboys" or masculine. Then with feelings of much inadequacy they continued into adolescence with these differences and were labeled as just that different. Causing many issues one in particular that was quite common was not connecting to the same gender parent. Then raising questions within themselves of where do I fit, who loves me, am I even able to feel that intimate connection with others. 

It was eye opening to learn that same gender attraction to those that feel that it is their own lot, is in fact a big misunderstanding. It can be helped and corrected and those who claim to be stuck can be freed.  

A day with the TA

Today Addison helped me make this. She is totally awesome!

 She will totally help you with anything you need!